A Very Pollo Christmas

"Jingle Bells" begins to play and we cut to a live crowd cheering loudly as fake snow falls from the ceiling. Up on stage next to the Giant Chicken head Santa’s workshop is set up, with a line of children and Geeks alike waiting to see the man himself, Santa Brute. The camera goes to ringside, where we find our hosts.


TMG: Greetings once again from the 7th Moon of Thunder and welcome to "A Very Pollo Christmas". We are live here at Polloi Hall in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada! (loud pop from the crowd) I am El Hombre Loco Enmascarado, better known simply as That Masked Guy and fresh from his latest chicken finger binge is the K-2SO to my Cassian Andor, Capt Fizz.


CF: (happily munching on a chicken finger) Hey I haven't seen "Rogue One" yet, don't spoil it for me!


TMG: I hate to break it to you, Cap, but they steal the plans to the Death Star.


CF: God damn it!


TMG: Tonight we celebrate the holidays the only way we here at the Pollo Bucket Family knows how, with a great big helping of some "seasons beatings". We will see the in-ring return of Holly Guacamole, as she teams with a mystery partner to face off with two of her brothers former henchmen, The Agents of Pain.


CF: We will also see two matches for the Canadian Title Tournament, care of Maple Leaf Wrestling, the company that kept Loco and I employed after the Pollo family abandoned us for the more "seriously taken" Lion's Road.


TMG: Please behave yourself. Obviously not everyone likes watching aliens facing off with superheroes in the ring.


CF: If that's the case then there not the type of people I want to be associated with.


TMG: Will you please behave! Also tonight we will have the former Iron Champion, Ben Chrenshaw face off with one of the principal owners of the Pollo Bucket franchise, El Hijo del Pollo.

CF: I refuse to be biased, I hope Chrenshaw makes him tap out.


TMG: You and my secretary both. Finally, in the main event, we will see Anna Matthews defend her Pollo Estrel Medal against the Trillion Dollar Princess, Angel Kash. Enough from us for now though, let’s take it to the ring and our ring announcer for the evening, on loan from MLW, Nick Christopoulos!

 

NC: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a singles match with a ten minute time limit, and it will be decided to one fall and it is an opening round match for the Maple Leaf Wrestling Canadian Championship. First, already in the ring, in the corner to my right, he weighs in tonight 170 pounds and comes to us tonight from Newton Residence... Orville Newton!


The crowd offers him some polite applause as Newton nervously waves to the crowd.


NC: AND HIS OPPONENT!


"Chimères” by Akitsa begins to play. The arena goes pitch black. A loud voice yells "Libérer le Kraken" and a spotlight shines down on the Giant Chicken’s Head, which opens up. Instead of Eli Buchanan, a man with long dark hair and glasses walks out and smiles at the confused crowd. He turns back and points as Kraken slowly makes his way out. The man beckons and leads the behemoth down the entrance ramp. As they approach the ring, the pair stops and Kraken removes his helmet and places it on the ring apron before climbing up the stair and entering the ring with the man. Kraken goes to stand behind his helmet, while the man stands off to the side. The monster raises his arms into the air and yells "Aucun survivra!" as steam shoots out of the helmet.


NC: On his way to the ring and is accompanied tonight by “The Intellectual Savior” Saul Asper. He weighs in tonight as 450 pounds and he comes to us from Ungava Bay, Quebec, Canada. May I introduce to you... Kraken!


CF: Who the hell is that guy in the glasses again?


TMG: That is Saul Asper. For those who watched Maple Leaf Wrestling’s last episode, Eli Buchanan sold Kraken’s MLW contract to Asper after he faced pressure from the company’s investors to be unbiased towards the competitors. Since this match is set under MLW rules, Asper is here with him tonight. Let’s go to a quick video pack...


The bell rings and Kraken suddenly charges across the ring and squashes Newton in the corner with a avalanche splash. The French behemoth grabs his opponent by the leg and goozles him by the throat, Spinning around, he lifts Newton into the air and slams him to the mat with the Leg Trap Chokeslam and places a foot on Newton’s chest. Referee, Jose Doe makes the academic three count and calls for the bell.


NC: And your winner, Kraken!


CF: Thanks for coming Orville!


The crowd boos loudly as Asper enters the ring and pushes Doe aside to raise Kraken’s hand in victory. He whispers something to Kraken, who nods his head. Kraken bends over and grabs Newton by the throat and lifts him to his feet and hits another chokeslam. Doe calls for the bell and orders Asper to call the big man off. Asper only laughs and signals for Kraken to do it again.


The crowd suddenly pops as Santa Brute gets up off his Christmas throne and marches down to the ring. A chant of “Brute!” echoes through the arena as the jolly man in red steps over the ropes and moves to confront Kraken. The pair stare intently at each other for a moment, before Asper steps in and starts ordering his client out of the ring. He yells “not tonight, big man” as he leaves and leads Kraken to the back, who repeatedly stares back at Brute as they go.

CF: Holy crap, I hope the ring gets reinforced before those two finally meet in the ring.


TMG: I can’t help wonder how Eli feels about this confrontation. It’s easy to say you’re going to be impartial, but it’s another thing when two men that you have strong connections with look like they’re about to come to blows.


CF: He’s probably watching this in Montreal and seeing dollar signs.


TMG: Folks, we’ll be back after these messages.

Returning from commercial break we find our next match in progress. Jin Hirai has his opponent, Ted Davis in the middle of the ring, applying a nerve hold to the side of his neck. Referee Jose Doe asks Davis if he wants to quit. Davis responds, “Hell no, get out of my face, you masked freak!”


TMG: I’d like to say that was the pain talking but I’ve heard this former representative of Rainbow Pro has a bit of chip on his shoulder.


CF: Either that or he hates masked men almost as bad as I do.


TMG: Wait a minute, I’m a masked...


CF: Exactly.


TMG: I’m not giving you my Christmas gift now.


Hirai pulls Davis to his feet and calls for the Rising Sun Suplex. Grabbing his opponent from the back, he gives his opponent a frontal wedgie and delivers a German suplex.


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Davis kicks out and rolls over onto his stomach. Frustrated, Hirai begins laying kicks to him. Staring at the top turnbuckle, he signals he’s going to fly. Climbing to the top rope, he takes a moment to pose to the crowd before going for broke with his version of the summersault leg drop. At the last moment, Davis rolls out of the way and Hirai lands hard on his tailbone.


CF: No water in the pool!


Jose Doe begins to administer the count as both men lay on the mat. Hirari is the first to his feet. He tries to strike Davis with a side thrust kick, but Davis grabs his foot and spins him around. He looks to be going for an O’Connor Roll, Hirari tries to counter but Davis suddenly turns it into a release Dragon Suplex. Hirari appears to be woozy, but slowly gets to his feet, just in time to be struck with a rolling Koppu Kick! Davis pushes his advantage. He stomps on his opponent’s back, before sitting down on his lower spine and locking on a Japanese Stranglehold.


TMG: He calls this submission “The Cloak and Dagger”!


Hirari immediately signals to Jose Doe that he quits. Doe calls for the bell and Davis releases the hold.


NC: Here is your winner, “Nightmare” Ted Davis.


TMG: Davis moves on in the MLW Canadian Title Tournament.


CF: Merry Christmas to him. Too bad Santa will probably be bringing Hirari his gifts at Winnipeg’s Health Science Centre!


TMG: We’ll be back right after these messages.

Ring announcer Nick Christopoulos is standing in the ring when we return from break.


NC: The following is a tag team match, scheduled for one fall and with a twenty minute time limit. Let’s introduce our first team...


"Milkshake" by Kelis begins to play as the Giant Chicken Head opens up and out walks Holly Guacamole. She runs over to Santa Brute and jumps on his lap, whispering something in his ear. The big man shakes his head and Holly shrugs her shoulders and hops down, making her way down to the ring.


NC: First from Guelph, Ontario, Canada and weighs in tonight at 115 pounds. She was once called “The Princess of the Embassy”, but now she fights for equality in professional wrestling. Please welcome to the ring for her first match in six months... Holly Guacamole!


The crowd cheers wildly, as she makes her way around the ring to shake hands with the fans and take pictures. She then bends over and looks under the ring apron. She looks to have found what she was looking for, standing back up brandishing her trademark hockey stick. Holly jumps up on the ring apron and rolls into the ring.


TMG: Looks like Holly came prepared for a fight. You’ve got to wonder what this means as far as who her partner is, Cap. She has yet to reveal their identity.


CF: Judging from her talk with Santa over there, I’d say that she was hoping he would team with her. If she’s coming to the ring without a partner then she’s in for a long night.


Nick hands the microphone to Holly Guacamole, who thanks him and offers him a smile. She turns to the crowd and yells.


HG: Hey, what’s up bitches!


Loud pop from the crowd.


HG: As you can see, I’m standing here with no tag team partner. You see, there’s only three people I trust to have my back: one was forced to retire; the second is in Seattle working for another joint; and the third (pointing at Brute) is Santa Claus for the night. So I guess that means I’m on my own, but Agents of Pain, if you think that means I’m going to step down from a fight, you’ve got another thing coming. So get your sorry asses out here, so I can kick your damn heads off.


"Killing is my Business. . . And Business is Good" by Megadeath begins to play and The Agents of Pain step out of the Giant Chicken Head. They look at Holly standing in the ring alone and laugh. High fiving each other the pair rush down and slide into the ring. Nick makes a quick exit, foregoing an further introductions. For her part, Holly doesn’t hesitate, she catches Agent B in the chest with the butt of the stick before fore checking Agent D.


CF: Hey. that’s two minutes in the penalty box, Princess!


Referee Jose Doe signals for the bell, obviously letting the rules go out the window for this encounter. Holly continues to push her advantage, striking both Agents repeatedly much to the delight of the crowd. She hits Agents D across the back with her hockey stick before turning to take another swing at Agent B but he manages to grab a hold of is and kicks her in the midsection. He pulls the stick from her and tosses it to the arena floor.


Agent B lifts Holly up and slams her hard to the mat. He turns to his partner and shakes him, barking at him to get up. The pair grab Holly and whip her into the corner, catching her with a double shoulder tackle on the rebound.


TMG: Oh my God!


CF: I’m trying to find something funny to say here, but this turning way to serious.


Agent B pulls Holly to her feet by the hair and grabs her arms from behind as Agent D measures her with a boot to the chest. They haul her back up to her feet and Agent D grabs her by the throat and signals for the choke bomb. Agent B yells at him to stop and points at the turnbuckle. He walks over and rips it off as Agent D laughs.


TMG: There not planning to go for a Double Flap Jack on the exposed turnbuckle, are they? That’s the move that put Anna Matthews on the on the shelf for two weeks and nearly ended La Cucharacha’s career!


CF: Someone needs to put a stop to this!

The Agents of Pain grab Holly and are about to lift her into the air to deliver their devastating finisher when the lights go out.


TMG: What’s going on?


CF: Did someone forget to pay the electric bill again?


TMG: Oh sure, now you joke!


CF: Sorry, force of habit.


The lights suddenly turn on and Hammerstein is standing in the middle of the ring with a Festivus pole.


TMG: Hammerstein, but how? We know that Holly really wanted him to team with her but had another commitment in Seattle. There’s no way he can be in two places at once!


He looks around, obviously confused himself. He sees his former adversaries standing there and points the finger of doom as them as the crowd yells “YOU!” The Agents go to attack him, but the momentary distraction is long enough for Holly to regain her composure and dropping to her knees behind them, she hit them both with a low blow. As they stagger forward and Hammerstein hits them with the pole. The lights suddenly go off again and when they come back up Hammerstein is gone.


CF: What the fuck just happened?


TMG: It must be a Festivus Miracle.


CF: Festivus? What the hell is this, a bad rerun of “Seinfield”?


Holly shrugs her shoulders, just as confused as everyone else, but she sees an opening. Agent B gets up on his knees and Holly charges in, connecting with a Shining Wizard. She sees Agent D trying to get up as well and hits him with one of his own. She goes for the cover on them both and the crowd yells along with the count.


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NC: Here is your winner, Holly Guacamole!


The roof comes unglued as the crowd cheers. Up on stage the camera gets a close up of Santa Brute, who offers a wink and taps the side of his nose. The screen fades and we go to break.

We return from break, with several gifts of assorted sizes surrounding the ring.


NC: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and has a twenty minute time limit. It is the Christmas Chaos Match. Throughout the match, the competitors can open any of the presents surrounding the ring and use their contents to aide them to victory. I have been told to inform you all though that some of the gifts are boobytrapped and their contents might be hazardous to the health of the competitors. Let’s introduce competitor number one…


"Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen hits to a collective groan from the audience, but they sure pop when El Hijo de Pollo comes walking out of the Giant Chicken Head carry Eli’s briefcase in one hand and wielding in the other a giant chicken leg like he's Negan from the Walking Dead. He lines up and Capt Fizz pitches a t-shirt to him and he bats it into the crowd (well, knowing Pollo it was probably off some eight year old's face first).


NC: He weighs in at 190 pounds and comes to us from The Chicken Coop in Tijuana, Mexico! Please give it up for El Hijo del Pollo!


Pollo handcuffs the briefcase to the ring rope and idly threaten the security at ringside before rolling into the ring.


NC: AND HIS OPPONENT!


"Panic" by the Smiths hits. The camera takes us backstage where we see Saul Asper talking with Ben Chrenshaw. The two men shake hands and we see Chrenshaw step out of the Giant Chicken’s Head with his hands on his hips. He surveys the crowd as they barrage him with boos, but the sly smirk that adorns the former Iron Champion's face tells you all you need to know about what he thinks of them.


TMG: I wonder what that was all about?


NC: He weighs in tonight at 213 pounds and comes to us from London, England… Ben Chrenshaw!


Ben casually strolls down the runway, reaching the ring before he nonchalantly enters and gets checked over by the referee, Jose Doe.


TMG: This should be an interesting clash of styles. Chrenshaw is a coldblooded submission expert, while El Hijo del Pollo is a hotblooded high-flyer, but both men have been known to go to any length to win their matches.


CF: I doubt either of them have ever been in a match quite like this though.


TMG: I’m not so sure about that, I’ve got three words for you, “Gravied Alive Match”.


Doe calls for the bell and the competitors circle each other before locking up in a collar-and-elbow. Chrenshaw transitions it into a side head lock takeover and goes for the pin. Pollo counters with a head scissor lock but Chrenshaw kips up and out of the maneuver and returns to a standing position. Pollo quickly rises up, only to be caught in another side head lock takeover. Pollo tries a different tatic and attempts to roll him up with a handful of tights but only gets a one count from the referee. Chrenshaw rolls away but gives Pollo a smug look.


TMG: Is that a look of admiration on his face.


CF: More like gas, I would imagine.


TMG: What? Do us a favor and eat another chicken finger.


CF: Gladly!


The two stand and meet back in the middle of the ring. Once again, they lock up in a collar and elbow position but Pollo immediately delivers a knee smash to the gut and Irish whips his opponent into the ropes. He catches Chrenshaw with a Mexican armdrag. Chrenshaw rolls to his feet but is caught with a second armdrag. He quickly rolls to the arena floor, trying to break Pollo’s momentum, but as he turns around Pollo dives over the top rope and lands on top of him.


TMG: Tope Con Hilo! This is not the type of match Ben Chrenshaw wants to find himself in. He needs to take this match to the mat and take apart an body part if he hopes to get his career back on track after his recent losing skid.


Meanwhile, Pollo rolls him back into the ring and grabs his plastic chicken leg. Referee Jose Doe stops him as he enters the ring and points to it, shaking his head and ordering Pollo to remove it from the ring.


CF: What gives? I thought this match was no disqualification.


TMG: The rules state you can only use the items you find in one of the presents. El Hijo del Pollo brought that down with him to the ring so he will be disqualified if he uses it.


Chrenshaw takes advantage of the momentary distraction to chop block Pollo from behind. Pollo drops the chicken leg and Doe kicks the chicken leg out of the ring as the Englishmen goes to work. He grabs Pollo’s injured leg and begins to deliver a series of deliberate kicks to the thigh and knee as Pollo curses at him in frustration. He drags Pollo into the centre of the ring and grapevines the leg. Pollo cries out in as Chrenshaw smiles at him. The crowd begins to clap and stomp their feet in support of "El Presidente of Poultry" and Pollo slowly drags himself to closer to the ropes, finally reaching them. Jose Doe starts administering the count and Chrenshaw breaks at four.


CF: Shouldn’t Doe give Chrenshaw a yellow card or something for not breaking that hold right away?


TMG: Jose Doe told me before we went on the air that he was going to call the matches his way, which probably means he didn’t bother to read up on all of Lion’s Road’s rules.


El Hijo del Pollo rolls out of the ring, but Chrenshaw follows him, stalking his prey. He looks over at one of the presents and seems to decide this would make an opportune time to take advantage of the rules to the match. Picking up a long present, he tears the paper off and opens the box. A smug look crosses his face as he pulls out a kendo stick. Pollo sees this and drags himself to one of the other presents. Rather than open it though, he tosses it at his opponent as he approaches, trying to buy himself some time. Chrenshaw swats the box aside and takes a swing at Pollo. The first misses, harmlessly striking the ring baracade but the second catches Pollo across the injured knee. Pollo lets out a scream of pain. This only eggs Chrenshaw on and he repeatedly hits Pollo’s knee, calf and thigh with the kendo stick. Finally Jose steps in and orders Chrenshaw back. He asks Pollo if he wants to continue, and Pollo yells out, “Fucking rights I do!” Which garners a pop from the crowd. Chrenshaw gently pushes the referee aside and goes for another swing with the kendo stick. Pollo rolls out of the way and grabs another gift, which he hits Chrenshaw with in the gut. While his opponent is trying to regain his breath, Pollo opens the gift and pulls out a fire extinguisher. He points the nozzle and spays the contents in Chrenshaw’s face, temporarily blinding him.


TMG: I’ve heard that the carbon dioxide in that spray is supposed to take your breath away but I can’t confirm that. It is damn cold though.


CF: Just what he needed though, to make Chrenshaw even more cold-blooded. He better take advantage of this opening while he can.


Pollo manages to get to his feet and retrieves his chicken leg. Once again Jose Doe reminds him that he can’t use it because it’s not a Christmas gift. This gives Pollo an idea though and he finds the box Chrenshaw found the kendo stick in. He puts the chicken leg in it, puts the lid on and then opens it again and takes the leg out, which earns some laughs and applause from the crowd.


CF: Merry Christmas, El Hijo del Pollo
!

TMG: That’s one way to get around the rule I suppose.


Jose Doe appears to agree and waves at Pollo to continue. Pollo takes a swing at Chrenshaw, but the Englishman has been given enough time to regain his sight and he blocks the blow with the kendo stick. The two begin to “sword fight” and it appears that Pollo is gaining the advantage, as Chreshaw slowly backs away up the entrance way. As they reach the stage they pass a large gift, which suddenly bursts open and out rushes Kraken, who attacks Pollo from behind.


CF: How is this legal? And don’t tell me it’s because of the stupid rule about how you can use the items in the boxes!


TMG: Nick did warn at the beginning of the match that the contents might be hazardous to your health.


As the French behemoth and Chrenshaw start beating him down, Kraken grabs the chicken leg and tosses it off the side of the stage. He lifts Pollo to his feet and holds him while Chrenshaw takes aim and hits him across the chest with the kendo stick.


The crowd begins to boo and we see Saul Asper stroll out with a hacksaw and makes his way down to the ring. He uses the saw to cut the handcuffs and grabs Eli’s briefcase. He holds it triumphantly over his head, garnering more boos from the crowd. He starts picking Pollo’s leg apart again while Kraken shouts encouragements in French.


CF: That son of a bitch!


TMG: That would explain Asper’s conversation with Chrenshaw before the match. This all was just one huge set-up to get Eli’s briefcase back.


Asper begins to make his way up the entrance ramp but stops. Santa Brute appears from the side and meets him midway. The giant snatches the briefcase away from him and pushes the smaller man down, much to the delight of the crowd. Kraken sees this and lets go of El Hijo del Pollo. He charges to attack Brute but the giant smashes him across the face with the briefcase, which sends him staggering off the side of the ramp and into the barricade. Brute then makes his way up the ramp, stopping briefly to meet Chrenshaw’s cold gaze. After a moment, the Englishman shrugs his shoulders and turns his attention back to Pollo, while Brute walks through to the back.


CF: What just happened there?


TMG: Your guess is as good as mine.


Jose Doe tells Chrenshaw to get Pollo back in the ring. Chrenshaw chooses to leave Pollo where he’s lying and walks back to the ring and enters. He motions to Doe to administer the count, confident El Hijo del Pollo will not make it back into the ring in time.


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Pollo finally starts stirring and tries to get to his feet.


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He takes a few steps but stumbles and falls back down, the damage to his leg hid leg to much for his weight to hold.


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Pollo resorts to rolling down the ramp and tries to reach for the ring apron to pull himself up.


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Pollo pulls himself to his feet.


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He manages to roll under the bottom rope at the last second but Chrenshaw is on him immediately. He drags Pollo into the middle of the ring by the legs and rolls him over into a Boston Crab. Doe bends down to ask him if he wants to submit but Pollo curses him out. Chrenshaw reponds to this by releasing one of his legs and wrenching harder on the other.


TMG: “The Wrinkle in Time”, I don’t think Pollo is going to have any other choice but to give it up.


Jose Doe once again asks him if he wants to give it up. Pollo responds by grabbing the referee by the shirt and pulling him off balance. Doe falls on top of Pollo and bumps into Chrenshaw, who releases the submission move to find out what’s happened. In amongst the confusion, Pollo manages to get out from under the referee and while Doe is recovering he hits a low blow before the Englishman can attack him again and rolls him up with a small package. Dazed, Jose Doe makes the count.


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TMG: El Hijo del Pollo steals the victory!


CF: Yeah but as much as I hate to admit it Chrenshaw should have one that one by disqualification after Pollo put his hands on Doe.


TMG: Chalk that up to Doe’s inexperience. I’m sure that Chrenshaw will file a complaint but who cares, it’s not like we’re planning to do another show anytime soon. This one already feels like it’s been going on for two days.


Doe raises Pollo’s hand in victory, but Pollo sees that the briefcase is gone and quickly rolls out of the ring and starts limping to the back as fast as he can.


TMG: Folks, we’ll be back after this message with tonight’s main event.